Uh, good evening, welcome.
Um, oh, I've just...
Before I go into stuff, I've been reading a very good book.
You must read this book.
It's called SEX, Drugs and Me by J.R. Hartley. And...
It's a real craic. It's a sequel to Fly Fishing.
Well... You know, I had a rough childhood.
You probably all know. I had to escape from Nazi Germany
in 1937.
Well, we were living in Munich.
My father was the Liberal Party candidate for Bavaria.
And in the '33 elections, you know, and he was standing on
jobs, pensions, freedom of speech, good liberal values,
and he was up against Hermann Göring.
Who was on, "Vote for me or I'll kill you."
Good Nazi values.
And, well, we were losing hands down and we had to escape.
So, under the cover of darkness, my mother, she went down to the river,
and from the river bank, she took some reeds
and she took some mud and together she fashioned them
into the shape of a U-boat.
And floated off down the river and I escaped.
It was great, you know, didn't see my parents again.
And I was brought up after that by wolves actually.
Well, you know, they were out yachting one day and...
It was great, it was wonderful!
It was great being brought up by wolves as a kid. It was wonderful.
They gave me a name. They called me Grrr.
And I did all... They taught me all the stuff, you know.
Hunting, fishing, backgammon, all of that stuff.
Wolves are natural at fishing. They wait by fast-flowing rivers.
And then when a big fish comes along, just at the right moment,
they reel it in.
And cook it, gas mark four with a bit of herbs.
And we were wolves, we were young, we were crazy.
We'd make love with the moonlight. You know... They would. They would.
I'd watch them to know that I'm a fool. Thank you.
We were hunting all the time.
We're hunting, we're hunting We're hunting those things
Those things over there
Were wolves, we're hunting them
We're not sure what they are
It was a crap song.
But we didn't care. You know, there was no choir practice
and we just went with it. It was okay.
Well, to be honest, 19 wolves and me.
And I was trying to blend in and go, "Woof, woof!"
And these bears were standing there saying, "What's that?"
I told, "Hi, I'm a wolf.
"Catch you later."
And we'd be chasing these things. They turned out to be antelopes,
that was great 'cause we eat them. It was great, chasing them.
And after about 20 minutes, they'd put on a real lead.
And so we had a discussion and agreed to move our legs as well.
One of the key things, if you are hunting,
you've got to move towards them.
Otherwise, they go away.
And after that... Could those wolves move?
'Cause they got four legs between them. They got four legs each.
Not four legs between them.
'Cause that would be one leg every five wolves, wouldn't it?
'Cause if you had that, you'd have one wolf on one leg,
hopping, dragging four wolves
behind them on a string.
And that isn't quite as an efficient hunting method
as your basic wolfie running after the herd.
So, whoosh... And I couldn't keep up with them.
Two legs, you know. So, I took to driving a small red car.
It was great, you know.
It was the same mime position and everything, you know.
And it was a hatchback. It was roomy. So, I said, "Guys, get in the back."
Come to the side. There you are.
It was great and I turned the blow heater up full
so it blew their ears back.
And we went thundering down the bayou there
or whatever it was.
The antelope are getting really freaked. "Oh, my God! They're catching up."
'Cause all the bulls were on space hoppers.
And way behind in the car...
I wound down the windows. "Get the guns and shoot! Shoot!"
They said, "We're wolves, we haven't got guns."
I said, "Oh, no!" We couldn't do anything.
We just drive along with them and the antelope were grinning.
So, I just lent out the window, and went "Grrr!
"That's my name."
It was funny in those days anyway.
Anyway, that's all from me. Thank you very much.
My name's Eddie Izzard. Goodnight.